Do you ever wonder why your husband only cares about his interests and activities? Does he do as much for you as you do for him? Does your good friend consistently ignore what you care about yet go on and on about his own needs? Do you feel unheard even when you take the time to tell your boyfriend what is important to you and how you feel?
You might be in a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissism, a term that is often bandied about casually, is actually a psychiatric diagnosis called a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And if you are in a relationship with someone who meets the diagnostic criteria, or even has only some narcissistic qualities, it can have a profound effect on your relationship. Let’s take a look at the traits of a narcissist, what behaviors to watch out for, how narcissism can affect your emotional health, and what you can do to take care of yourself.
Narcissism is a personality disorder which begins by early adulthood and is characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. To be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder, a person must have at least five of the following qualities: a grandiose sense of self-importance; preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or beauty; a belief that he or she is special or deserves special treatment; a need for excessive admiration ; a sense of entitlement; a lack of empathy for others; a belief that others envy him or her; display arrogant behaviors; and take advantage of others in order to achieve his or her own goals.
These diagnostic criteria are quite a mouthful, and often we encounter someone who may not display five of the nine criteria, but who definitely has narcissistic qualities which affect their relationships with others. Although many of us will show a narcissistic quality on occasion, a true narcissist displays these behaviors consistently. So how can you be sure if your partner is a narcissist?
- He has trouble understanding or caring about your feelings and may get impatient when you try to talk about your emotions or concerns.
- He may dominate the conversation and seek continual praise and admiration, leading you to believe your needs come last.
- He may exaggerate or manipulate situations to his advantage and leave you questioning your own perception of events.
- He may engage in a kind of manipulation called “gaslighting” (see my next blog about this) and make you question your own sanity.
- He may try to control you by isolating you from friends and family, and may make decisions unilaterally.
Living with a narcissist can have a negative effect on your emotional health. Criticism and denigration can lead you to feel worthless or depressed. You may feel you can never live up to his standards and your morale may plummet. And your efforts to keep your narcissist happy can also take a toll on your other relationships at work and in your personal life. So what can you do?
- Set firm boundaries and let him know that he cannot breach them, even if conflict results.
- Take care of yourself no matter what. Make time to do the things you like.
- Look for support from friends and professionals. While support from friends may help, education and support from a professional is what you really need, and it can help you decide whether or not to stay in the relationship.
Many women stay in relationships with narcissists because of their children, for financial reasons, and because even narcissists can be charming at times. But over time, the relationship erodes along with your self-esteem, and if you stop worshiping at the narcissist’s feet, he may move on and find someone else who is not yet aware of his flaws.
If you are struggling in a relationship with a narcissist and want to learn more about how to help yourself, call the Health Psychology Center at 732-933-1333 and let’s talk.